I’m a lost ship, baby

I drift around 

I call it being free

no anchor, no direction

until I’m tempted by your beacon

teasing me close to delicious danger

until my used up soul

is nothing but a battered wreck on your shore.

I’m a ghost ship, baby

I’ll haunt your heart

even though I was never really there.

I want to feel your music wash over me

That song that brings shudders and raises goose bumps

And I can hear the lyrics before they are sung

Stinging my lips as I mouth them and leaving them swollen

Touch each inch of my skin with your harmony

And rhythm

And beat

Those vibrations

In synch with skipped heart thumps and quick gasping breaths

Your fingers pluck at my strings

Just like so

Here and there

Until my entire core hums

Strum them strings make me think dirty things.

When the strings of a banjo tug my heart hard
When I feel the warm lick of sunlight slowly moving along my skin
When I see something so fucking beautiful I skip a breath and it’s forever branded behind my eyes
When I smell warm baked bread and freshly ground coffee grains
When my dog curls up tight against my ribs and lets out a puppydog sigh
When I smell coming rain or salty sea waves and flowers heavy with dew
When I have a perfect bite of cheese flavour-kicking my tongue into ecstasy
When I sneak my cold toes under your bum to warm them
When I look at my friends and hurt from loving them so
When I get paint all over my fingers in a beautiful mess
When I squint my eyes at fairy lights and they become star bursts through my lashes
When I can’t help it but spin and dance and dance and dance because that beat won’t let me go
When a thunderstorm half wakes me up and my bed never feels quite as comfy as that moment
When a sip of good whiskey makes you warm in the most delicious of places
When a movie or a book or a song or conversation leaves me lusting for more
When you touch that one spot just so that always makes me shiver
When I can’t get enough of you no matter how much I indulge
When I know I made you cum so fucking good right then
These things make my soul breathe deep, my lungs expand and blood hum.
These things turn me on, make me tear up and light a fire in my heart.
They make me feel things there are no words for. No way to explain.
Maybe by sounds, murmured and whispered and moaned, sweet notes sung, or screamed at the top of my lungs.
These things are the music to my life song.

I love the smell of cut grass.

I hate the smell of gas.

I love the smell of cow manure.

I hate the smell of kitty litter.

I love the smell of baking bread.

I hate the smell of sauerkraut.

I love the smell of coming rain.

I hate the smell of Bradford pear trees, they smell like jizz.

I love the smell of basil leaves and sliced grapefruit.

I hate the smell of heavy, musky and flowery perfumes.

I love the smell of campfire, especially when it clings to clothes and hair.

I hate the smell of patchouli, it smells like dirty tree hippie cum.

I love the smell of fresh coffee grounds or a freshly brewed pot.

I hate the smell of coffee with sugar in it, especially when it is spilled on clothes.

I love the smell of peanut butter melting on toast.

I hate the smell of peanut butter when it gets wet while washing it off cutlery.

I love the smell of tattoo ink going into skin, and sunburns with sunscreen.

I hate the sour smell of baby spit up, and dried up sweat on cold winter days.

I love it when my dog smells like Doritos.

I hate her lethal farts. 

I use this here blog to vomit posts largly focused on any of the following:

• Wonder Woman
• Superheroes
• Star Wars
• Battlestar Galactica
• Robots
• Sci-fi in general
• Tattoos and art that inspire me
• Moustaches, scruff, butts, boobs and beards
• Banjos, flamingos and octopi
• My dog Helo, aka demon robot puppy, aka stupid, aka meatloaf
• Photos of myself standing in my office bathroom, usually after I’ve pooped
• I just post a lot of photos of myself

I ramble on here about nothing and everything and quite often overshare my awkward moments. I snort when I laugh and swear like a sailor, I can be crude and crass but blush easily. I think sex should be fun and serious and rough and sweet and sentimental and quick and lasting and kinky with laughing in between. I whore my art out incessantly on here to make ends meet. I will speak out for what I believe in and defend those I love viciously. I am all over the place, spaztastic and a klutz. I like meeting new people, online, in life, errywhere. I answer questions honestly but I’m not a completely open book… some things are too tender or scary or frivolous to admit, even to myself. I have baggage, issues and vices that I indulge myself in too often. I’m already planning my Halloween costume. I miss Belgium.

I can’t sing for shit. I can’t get lyrics right for shit. That doesn’t stop me.

I have participated in the Carnivale (Mardi Gras) Parade in Trinidad three times. In those carnival costumes… or non-existant costumes, rather. It’s the second biggest Carnivale in the world after Brasil’s. It’s the most amazingly fun experience I’ve ever had.

I recently made a coworker spit her coffee out (in my face) when I told her how old I was… she thought I was 24.

I think that if people are allowed to bring babies on the subway I should be allowed to bring my dog. Seriously… someone can bring their often screaming, sometimes smelly/spit up-y babies in strollers the size of Monstertrucks that jam into anyone’s ankles who don’t get out of the way fast enough and are usually accessoried with at least one if not two diaper bags that inevitably will take up at least three seats. but I can’t bring my dog who is a well behaved traveller and fits in my arms.

I am so fucking bored at my job… I need to be challenged, be creative, use my qualified skillsets, stay busy. I need the money.

I hate money. always sinking never afloat. I feel like I’m treading water in a sumo suit. actually, a sumo suit might float so make that jousting armour.

Speaking of which I have never been to Medieval Times. I want to go so bad. I don’t care how cheesy and overpriced it is. I want to yell Shakespearian insults at the opposing knights like ‘Thy Father is a Gorbellied Codpiece!’… and smell horsey smells.

I have this problem where I have a thing for guys who never live remotely near me. actually this is not my problem, this is their problem for living in the wrong place. yes. let’s roll with that.

sex. touching. caressing. cuddling. making out. sex. touching. caressing. cuddling. making out. sex. touching. caressing. cuddling. making out. sex. touching. caressing. cuddling. making out. my brain has apparently been taken over by that of a 13-yr-old who just hit puberty.

I threw cuddling in there to make it sound less like I had a one track mind.

I don’t understand people who sit forever in the bathroom to poop. I’m in and out… as quickly as possible.

I also always use the ‘disabled’ stall in public washrooms because the seat is usually taller which makes it pretty much normal sized for me.

I’m really dreading my next wax appointment… I have to find someone who’s good in Montreal. that can mean I find some bad first.

I’m Canadian/Dutch and speak both, as well as French and Flemish (which is a dialect of dutch with some french and german words thrown in to just make it more confusing) and some German and Spanish… I used to know Danish and Italian but have forgotten everything but swearing.

I could write a shit-tonne more and you’d still not have even scratched the surface about who I am.

I fuck up. all the time. I let stupid thoughts sneak into my brain sometimes and screw around with my self esteem and on occasion have one night stands with my vindictive side. I let my hurt and anger get the better of me more often than I care to admit. I slack off and let my body get unhealthy with vices running rampant all too often. I let procrastination seduce me into staying in bed, or on the couch, or anywhere really, rather than get important shit done. I have scars and wrinkles and cellulite and I definitely don’t have cute toes (too much soccer trauma). I talk too much and snort too loudly when I laugh. I hate talking on the phone and always forget to call my friends back. I have trust issues, largely due to my choice issues and hardly ever cry. but when I do it ain’t pretty and involves a lot of snot. I hate it when people see me cry. I’ve cried more in the last 6 months than I have in years. I was broken and I’ve just started to mend. I have jiggly bits and wiggly bits when I run, jump or wave too hard. I bottle shit up. I blatantly indulge in things I should likely moderate. I have very little self-control when in the moment and when it is probably more prudent to take a few steps back. I do angry so well it scares me, I know how to hit those weak points. I’m immature and restless and refuse to conform to adulthood. I throw caution out the fucking window and recklessly jump into spur of the moment choices with both feet. I have debts, both financially and with karma. some that I can’t imagine ever repaying. I burp and swear and am quite crass at times. I don’t know how to let someone completely in.

but I know this. I know I am flawed. and I do my best to keep it in check. and when I inevitably fuck up I am the first to admit it and do everything I can to make up for it.

25. 10 ways to win my heart.

1. don’t be a douchenozzle judgey mcgee bigot.
2. don’t take advantage of people or treat others poorly, myself included.
3. don’t expect me to fit into society’s little box of norms. my ass is too big for it.
4. don’t expect me to be an arm trophy. I will happily dissappoint.
5. don’t be dishonest. to me or yourself. always speak truth even when it fucking sucks.
6. do know how to be silly, enjoy the little things, have fun and be passionate.
7. do live life to the fullest and mostest. no holding back, experience as much as you can.
8. do be open to trying new things, weird things, lame things, nerdy things, exciting things, kinky things.
9. do like movies, books and boardgames. MUST like dogs.
10. do understand I dress up in costumes, often involving capes. I also am a zombie lusting after brains once a year. I may drag you to sci-fi and comicon conventions. and I go apeshit at Halloween. you’ve been warned.

(repost by request because I accidentally deleted the original, so here it is as best I remember it)

11. Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.

I’m currently single. Let’s discuss shall we?

I’ve always been very comfortable and content while being single. Often, I have actually preferred to be. I don’t understand the inability to be happy unless one has a significant other. If you are not happy on your own than how can you expect to be happy in a relationship with someone? That a lot of pressure you are putting on that your partner and the success of the relationship. It is almost always a recipe for disappointment and disaster.

I admit, I do sometimes jones for those clichéd moments like holding hands and cuddling on a couch watching terribly bad movies, feeling their hand graze the small of my back and forhead kisses, neck nibbles and lip bites, exploring sex with someone you are familiar and comfortable with and afternoon brunches where you know what they are thinking just by glances across the table. But in all honesty, right now those moments of missing that are fleeting and few and far between. my mojo is currently m.i.a.

It takes a lot for me to want to be in a relationship with someone. As in a monogamous serious relationship not just dating and casual fun (which is all good and I am all for too). If I am going to be in a relationship with you I am letting you in and giving you all of myself and that is scary. It is hard for me to fully let go and trust someone, especially of late after some pretty bad experiences. Some because I didn’t have the wherewithal to walk away sooner, some because I foolishly hoped for more and some because I believed it was real when it so very much wasn’t. So, I may kind of be one of those stereo-typical baggage-toting types at the moment. I’m working on that I promise.

I don’t feel ostercized, defined, limited or any less of a person because I am single. I am content with my life and I am having fun living it. Maybe, someday, I will meet someone who can keep up with me, lives life to the fullest and mostest and jumps in to new adventures balls deep. and then maybe, someday, they might get the chance to be balls deep in me. eh-oh zing! ha.

I’m 5’10”.

6’1” in heels.

I almost never wear heels.

If I played a drinking game based on everytime someone’s said “wow, you’re tall”, “how tall are you?”, “did you know that you’re tall?”, “you’re intimidating”… I’d pretty much just have to mainline that shit into my veins.

being tall is great for intimidating douchebags and giving the downward side-eye, not so great for dating.

also clothes. pants and sleeves in particular. worst.

this city that was so new, that inspired so much promise.
was my absolute escape but became a prison of memories I don’t need. I have loved and hated it, it handled me roughly. I had to grow up fast here and learn loss and heartbreak and the bitter taste of regret.
I swung from being blindly happy to dark unhappiness and often almost gave up on it. it shook me out of my illusions and opened my eyes to brutal truths. it gave me friends that I am eternally grateful for and lovers who I am stronger and better off without.
I hate admitting that it made me weak too, distrustful and wary, building up walls. I got caught up in its soulsucking ratrace that squashed my creativity, passions and made me defeated, resigned.
but it also gave me independence and strength and confidence in myself. I may be addicted to it, that undercurrent of inspiring energy and fun that you can only find after you scratch it’s under its tough surface. I fell in love with its secret areas, like those little spots on my neck that give me goosebumps and shivers when kissed.
it became a precarious balance… love hate love hate. but for some reason I always stayed.
I tried to flesh out my life here, I fought and hoped and tried and tried and it left me exhausted. I’m just. so. tired.
what this city gave me is invaluable but those lessons came with heavy scars.
I’m proud of them.
but I want more than this. I deserve more.
so I’m leaving this city I love and then hate and yet love even harder.
it’s not easy though. it’s a lot more difficult than I expected.

I got dumped about a month ago. didn’t see it coming. maybe I should have but all the right things were being said and done. I let myself believe it. I really thought this was it. he finally admitted he didn’t. I felt foolish. lesson learned? never to just blissfully and blindly believe. to tread carefully and cautiously always.

I just heard from my dr again. those annoying jerkface abnormal cells they keep trying to remove keep coming back. they are going to try removing them with lasers this time before resorting to the serious stuff treatments. sans anaesthetic. awesome. the entire time they will be doing the procedure I’m going to hum the Star Wars theme song and make “pew pew pew” noises.

I’ve made a huge life change decision. but I have hesitated to share this. mostly because I didn’t want it to seem like I was running away from everything. instead, I have been offered an incredible opportunity, one I would never get here. so I decided to take it. maybe I am running away a little bit. but I feel like I am escaping from this rut I am in.

I have been offered a tattoo apprenticeship and I am moving to Montreal.

I. am. so. fucking. stoked.

My time in Toronto is done. I have tried several times here… to feel inspired, jobs, relationships, to be happy. and It’s time for me to move on. start with a clean slate. I did a lot of growing up here and struggled and I am done. now this city mostly holds memories I’d rather just forget. it is scary and I am sad because I do love parts of this city, it has been my home for 12 years. but most of all I will miss my friends that I am leaving behind. that will be the hardest part.

I am excited and scared and happy and sad and all of this has been clouding my head and has made me super emotional of late…

but I am going and I feel good.

I do not like getting flowers. you just gave me a dead thing. it is just going to get uglier and make a mess as it decays. if you really feel the inexplicable urge to give me some flora make it a potted flower or plant. at least then it will just grow and get nicer.

then again, I have the opposite of a green thumb. I kill plants so fast I’m like the Dexter of gardening. so maybe give me a cactus.

I’ll kill that too though.

I also dislike diamonds. mostly because of the unethical ways they are harvested. and to be honest I think they are boring… no colour, no warmth.

I hate passive-aggressiveness. there is no quicker way to make me dislike someone, I do not tolerate that bullshit at all. speak your mind or gtfo I won’t play at silly little games.

I really like M*A*S*H and it’s on the History Channel right now.

I have to learn to accept that I can not change how people choose to act… make them try, make them care, make them understand, make them give back, make them happy. I always keep trying though because I also feel guilty for giving up.

I’m not a cat person. I don’t dislike them but I don’t love them either. I am ambivalent… largely based on the actual cat I am dealing with. I have had cats as pets, I have loved cats but I am definitely not a cat person.

I have not had an easy life. I have also not had a bad life. I am aware of both these facts. this enables me to appreciate what I do have but also makes me cynical and hesitant to fully embrace feeling content. I have seen, experienced and survived… I will continue to do so.

it’s ok to be happy and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. no one should make you feel guilty for being happy either.

I am happiest doing the simplest and silliest of things in life. or reading a book. or drawing. or dressing up for Halloween. or eating brunch.

you may think you know me but you really don’t. you don’t know everything I have gone through, I still keep parts of me to myself. it is foolish to assume you know better.

I am the most out of shape I have been in over 8 years. this is going to change as of now.

I really miss having a laptop.

that is all.